One of the questions I hear most from my students is some variation of “What does it look like to be a good friend?”
This is an excellent question and a critical one for teens to evaluate. Many students I disciple as a youth leader in my church are pondering, Whom should I let speak into my life? What groups of friends do I have (sports, church, school, etc.), and how do I navigate between them? Are my friends a good or bad influence on me? Am I a good friend to others?
Seeking belonging and finding a friend group in the middle and high school years is a normal part of teen life that has always required wisdom. But the rise of social media use among teens is complicating their friendships, and teens need guidance.
Here are three ways to help teens navigate friendships in the social media age.
1. Recognize Qualities of a Good Friend
Social media is shaping how our teens define and navigate friendships. Influencer culture often promotes materialism, outward appearances, and popularity. The focus is on how many friends (and followers) you have rather than on the quality of those relationships.
Several high school students I’ve mentored have told me about the peer pressure they experience around social media. They’re expected to post photos, stories, and highlight reels documenting their daily lives, much of which involves staged photos with their friends. Likes and comments on posts are associated with belonging and acceptance.
While there’s nothing inherently wrong with posting pictures or using the like button, the pressure teens feel suggests social media subtly teaches them that popularity and influence matter over meaningful connections and personal character.
Social media subtly teaches teens that popularity and influence matter over meaningful connections and personal character.
In the influencer-driven culture of social media, teens often overlook (or don’t recognize) issues such as pride, materialism, and gossip because they desire to belong. We can help teens learn to graciously and humbly reflect on the way their peers interact on social media. Do they act differently online than in person? Do they use social media to promote themselves and exclude others? Do they post questionable content to get more likes and followers?
We want our teens to share their lives with friends who love God, pray for them, and point them to the Lord. So let’s teach teens how to recognize and exhibit the qualities of a godly friend.
Scripture highlights many character qualities that teens need in friendship. A godly friend is dependable. A godly friend is loving and caring. A godly friend is kind. A godly friend is patient. A godly friend extends grace. A godly friend listens well. A godly friend prays for her friends. These qualities may not attract likes on social media, but they promote meaningful friendships.
2. Navigate Drama and Jealousy
In a recent Pew Research Center report, 39 percent of teens surveyed said that “social media [makes] them feel overwhelmed by drama.” And 31 percent of teens feel “excluded by friends” on social media.
Teens may feel left out of their groups after seeing friends post on Instagram or TikTok about a birthday party, beach trip, sporting event, or concert with other friends. Or perhaps they see a close friend in these sorts of posts or stories, and it feels like that friend is becoming better friends with someone else and not spending as much time with them. These situations stir up jealousy and create tension within their friendships.
In these situations, teens need both comfort and guidance. Actively listen to teens and comfort them with truth—that they’re seen, known, and loved by God and by you. Help them distinguish between normal emotional responses like sadness and disappointment and sinful responses like jealousy and bitterness. Remind them of the Lord’s forgiveness when they confess their sins and turn to him in repentance (1 John 1:9).
When our teens are occasionally excluded from movie nights or beach day trips, let’s help them assume the best about their friends. When they feel regularly left out of their friend group or hurt by a particular friend, let’s encourage them to seek their friends out and share how they’re feeling about the situation through a face-to-face conversation.
If our teens continue to experience hurt and rejection from particular friends, even after they’ve had conversations with those involved, we can help them discern whether it’s time to seek out new friendships with others who will support and include them.
3. Address and Avoid Gossip
I often hear stories from my students about rumors that started from an Instagram story or a TikTok video. Teens’ social media feeds provide access to images of and information about their peers that can easily become fodder for gossip. The phrase “spilling tea,” which has become a popular way for teens to describe catching up on juicy news, is essentially a euphemism for gossip.
But no matter what we call it, gossip is a sin. And it’s divisive and destructive, especially among friends. Proverbs 16:28 says, “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends” (NIV). Gossip hurts others and destroys friendships by tearing others down.
Help teens distinguish between normal emotional responses like sadness and disappointment and sinful responses like jealousy and bitterness.
To help teens avoid the trap of gossip, we first need to help them identify what gossip is. Gossip involves sharing personal information about others or spreading rumors behind their backs. It often includes untrue or inaccurate information, but it can also be true information that’s shared to hurt or embarrass someone else.
We can help steer teens away from gossip by teaching them how to recognize it in conversations and by encouraging them to pray for the Lord to guide their speech and to help them fight temptation by the Holy Spirit’s power.
We can also help them learn practical ways to combat gossip like disengaging from a conversation, changing the subject, or saying something true and kind about the person in question. Let’s equip teens to be friends who encourage and build each other up (1 Thess. 5:11).
Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm” (NIV). In the social media age, let’s encourage our teens to walk in wisdom and choose friends who will encourage and sharpen them in their faith.
