One of the most sobering realizations I’ve had in recent years is this: It’s possible for someone to cause deep, ongoing harm and still be seen as a strong, faithful Christian.
That realization didn’t come from theory. It came from experience. After more than 20 years in a close friendship, I began to recognize patterns I had never been taught to see: manipulation, confusion and a slow erosion of my sense of reality.
What unsettled me most wasn’t just the behavior itself. It was how easily that same person could use church spaces, relationships and language to uphold a completely different image.
Growing up in the Church of Christ, I heard a lot about false teachers. We were taught to measure everything against Scripture and be careful about doctrines that didn’t align with God’s Word. That emphasis mattered. It protected many of us.
But there was another kind of danger I was never taught to recognize.
No one ever taught us how to identify harmful relational patterns.
Listen to Marie Stroughter, host of the the “MoMo 634” podcast, discuss mental health on The Christian Chronicle Podcast.
Today, the word narcissism is everywhere. It’s often overused and misused, and the Bible doesn’t use the term at all. But Scripture clearly describes the behaviors. In 2 Timothy 3:1–5, Paul warns about people who are “lovers of self,” abusive and yet maintain “a form of godliness.” Jesus cautions about “wolves in sheep’s clothing” (Matthew 7:15). And in 3 John, the elder calls out Diotrephes for loving prominence and using his position to push others aside.
The language may be modern.
The patterns are not.
What I’ve come to understand is that many Christians simply haven’t been equipped to recognize these patterns. We’ve been taught to watch doctrine closely but not always to “test the spirits” (1 John 4:1) or examine fruit in the context of everyday relationships. We know what truth sounds like. We don’t always know what manipulation feels like.
Church environments can unintentionally make this harder. We’re taught to see the best in people. We’re taught to forgive quickly. We often avoid conflict. And we elevate and celebrate those who appear spiritually mature. These are good and necessary parts of our faith. But without discernment and accountability, they can also provide cover for someone who is highly invested in maintaining an image.
“We know what truth sounds like. We don’t always know what manipulation feels like.”
In some cases, that image becomes a shield.
One of the more damaging dynamics that can emerge is what’s often called a smear campaign, where a person subtly or overtly discredits someone else to protect their own reputation. Because the individual has carefully built trust, credibility and spiritual standing, their version of events is often believed without question. Meanwhile, the person on the receiving end may find themselves isolated, misunderstood or even abandoned.
I once read a comment from a woman who described her husband as “shape-shifting” the moment he stepped into the church parking lot, becoming gentle, kind and respected in public while being something very different at home. That kind of contrast can make it incredibly difficult for truth to surface.
To be clear, not every difficult person is a narcissist. And the goal isn’t to label people or act as clinicians. You don’t need a diagnosis to recognize when a relationship consistently produces confusion, fear, manipulation or emotional harm.
The label isn’t the point. The pattern is.
Scripture calls believers to be both loving and discerning. Paying attention to patterns, especially when behavior consistently contradicts a person’s public image, is part of that discernment. It allows us to care well for ourselves and others and to avoid enabling harm in the name of grace.
“The ‘fruit’ Jesus speaks about isn’t just what people say. It’s what consistently shows up in their actions, especially in private.”
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is simply an encouragement to learn. Seek understanding about unhealthy relational dynamics. Talk with your children about manipulation and emotional harm in age-appropriate ways. Help them understand that the “fruit” Jesus speaks about isn’t just what people say. It’s what consistently shows up in their actions, especially in private.
For many of us, this kind of awareness was never part of our spiritual training. But it can be now.
And sometimes, that awareness is what protects our minds, our faith and our sense of self from harm we were never taught to see.
TANEISE PERRY, a Christian who lives in the Charlotte, N.C., area, serves on The Christian Chronicle’s board of trustees.
